I Made The Count of Monte Cristo a Dating Profile and the Red Flags Are SENDING Me

Y'all, I was reading The Count of Monte Cristo at 3 AM (as one does) and suddenly thought: what if this man was on Hinge?

So naturally, I spent the next four hours creating his dating profile, and besties... the red flags are ASTRONOMICAL. But also, would I swipe right? ...We'll get to that.

The Profile That Would Break The Algorithm

📍 Location: Paris (but also Rome, and sometimes my private island)

The Photos (Each One a Different Red Flag)

Photo 1: Him on a yacht, but you can't see his face clearly
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩 Why are you hiding your face, sir?

Photo 2: Standing next to the most expensive horses in Paris
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩 We get it, you're rich

Photo 3: A mysterious silhouette at a masquerade ball
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩 WHAT DO YOU ACTUALLY LOOK LIKE?

Photo 4: Him with Haydée (labeled "just a friend")
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 That's not your friend and we all know it

Photo 5: A treasure chest (no explanation)
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Is this a threat?

Photo 6: Just a quote: "I am not proud, but I am happy"
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 Sir, this is a dating app, not Goodreads

The Prompts (Oh Boy)

Two truths and a lie:

• I escaped from an island prison
• I found a massive treasure
• I'm over my ex

Analysis: We all know which one is the lie, bestie. Mercédès still lives rent-free in his head and we KNOW IT.

My simple pleasures:

• Elaborate dinner parties where I don't eat
• Revealing devastating secrets at social gatherings
• Hashish (literally, he's into it)

Red Flag Count: 🚩🚩🚩 The not eating at his own parties is giving eating disorder or vampire, neither is good

I'm looking for:

"Someone who understands that my past is complicated (14 years complicated), appreciates elaborate schemes, and doesn't ask too many questions about where my money comes from. Also, must be okay with my friends (they're mostly pirates and smugglers). No Fernands."

Translation: He needs therapy, not a girlfriend.

His Opening Lines (I'm DECEASED)

To a banker's daughter:
"Are you a treasury? Because I'd like to make a large deposit... and then systematically destroy your father's entire financial empire. Wait, that came out wrong."

To anyone named Mercedes:
*Super likes immediately*
*Realizes it's not HIS Mercedes*
*Deletes app*

His actual opening line:
"I don't believe in coincidences. Our matching must be fate. Or an elaborate scheme I've been planning for seven years. One of the two."

The Conversation Red Flags

You: So what do you do for fun?
Him: I systematically destroy the lives of those who wronged me through elaborate psychological warfare.
You: ...I meant like, do you like hiking?
Him: I once climbed out of a body bag at the bottom of the ocean. Does that count?

You: Tell me about your last relationship
Him: She married my enemy while I was falsely imprisoned for 14 years
You: So... you're over it?
Him: *sends 47-page manifesto about revenge*

You: What's your love language?
Him: Acts of service. Specifically, destroying your enemies while you sleep.
You: That's... not one of the five
Him: I've created my own

First Date Scenarios

Scenario 1: Dinner at His Place

Pros: Gorgeous mansion, excellent food, attentive service
Cons: He won't eat anything, keeps mentioning "providence," you're 73% sure the servant is a former assassin
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Scenario 2: Opera Night

Pros: Best box seats, everyone stares at you both
Cons: He spends the whole time pointing out which audience members wronged him and detailing their upcoming downfall
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Scenario 3: Yacht Trip

Pros: Beautiful yacht, Mediterranean views
Cons: The yacht is named "Revenge," he keeps talking about that time he escaped prison via the sea, you're not entirely sure you're allowed to leave
Red Flag Rating: 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

His Spotify Wrapped (This Explains Everything)

Top Songs:

1. "Before He Cheats" - Carrie Underwood (played 3,847 times)
2. "Somebody That I Used to Know" - Gotye (about Mercédès obviously)
3. "Bad Blood" - Taylor Swift
4. "Revenge" - P!nk ft. Eminem
5. "Wait and Hope" - A 47-hour ambient track he made himself

Top Podcast: "How to Destroy Your Enemies Through Elaborate Schemes"
Minutes Listened: 47,293 (that's concerning)

His Exes' Reviews (Yikes)

Mercédès: ⭐⭐⭐
"He's different now. Like, REALLY different. Also, he might have destroyed my husband but honestly, Fernand had it coming. Would not recommend unless you're into complicated."

Haydée: ⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
"He bought me from slavery and raised me for revenge but then we fell in love? It's complicated but he has boats and jewels so..."

Victoria (briefly dated in Rome): ⭐
"He gave me a fake name, disappeared for three months, then showed up at my wedding to someone else with a different identity. Also, pretty sure he's the reason my fiancé got arrested. Great abs though."

Would Your Friends Approve?

Your Best Friend: "Girl, he has FIVE DIFFERENT NAMES. That's not mysterious, that's a WARRANT."

Your Mom: "He seems nice, dear, but why won't he eat my lasagna?"

Your Therapist: *quits the profession*

Your Ex: *mysteriously goes bankrupt and moves to another country*

The Verdict: Would You Swipe Right?

Pros:

• Insanely rich
• Speaks every language
• Can get reservations ANYWHERE
• Loyal (to a fault... a very vengeful fault)
• Has a private island
• That mysteriously dangerous vibe
• Would literally destroy anyone who hurt you

Cons:

• Not over his ex (by like, a LOT)
• Might be using you for elaborate revenge
• Has more emotional baggage than an airport
• His friends are concerning
• Won't tell you his real name
• Definitely needs therapy
• Might actually be three different people

The Final Analysis

Look, we've all dated worse. At least he's upfront about the revenge thing. Your ex just had commitment issues and a gaming addiction. This man has PLANS. SCHEMES. PROPERTY.

Would I swipe right? Against my therapist's advice and my better judgment... probably yes. I can fix him (narrator: she could not fix him).

But also, imagine the STORIES you'd have. "Oh, your boyfriend forgot your anniversary? Mine destroyed three separate family dynasties because they were mean to him in 1815. We're not the same."

Modern Day Monte Cristo's Profile Updates

After therapy:
"Reformed revenge enthusiast seeking healthy relationship. Working through my issues with a professional. Still rich though."

His LinkedIn:
"Disrupted the Parisian banking system. Thought leader in strategic patience. My TED talk: 'Wait, Hope, and Destroy Your Enemies' has 5M views."

His Instagram:
Just pictures of boats and cryptic quotes. 0 photos of his face. 3.2M followers. Follows only three accounts: NatGeo, Boats, and Mercédès (from a finsta).

If He Was On Different Apps

Bumble: Women have to message first, so he just waits. For YEARS. On brand.

Christian Mingle: Banned for excessive talk about being "Providence's instrument"

FarmersOnly: Surprisingly successful. Owns land. Lots of land.

LinkedIn Dating (if it existed): Crushing it. Mysterious entrepreneur energy works here.

The Ultimate Relationship Timeline

First month: Mysterious and romantic
Second month: You find out about the prison thing
Third month: You meet Haydée (awkward)
Fourth month: He reveals the revenge plot
Fifth month: You're somehow involved in an elaborate scheme
Sixth month: You're either married or in witness protection

In Conclusion

The Count of Monte Cristo would be the most interesting disaster you ever dated. He's a walking red flag factory, but also... he's rich, multilingual, and would literally burn down Paris for you.

Is he toxic? Absolutely. Would the relationship work? Definitely not. Would you have the wildest story for your grandkids? 100%.

Sometimes you don't date for forever. Sometimes you date for the plot. And baby, THIS MAN IS THE ENTIRE PLOT.

Swipe right at your own risk. But also... maybe do it for the story?

Stay unhinged, stay curious about fictional men's dating potential, and remember: If he has five names and won't eat at restaurants, that's not mysterious, that's a marinara flag. 🚩